Des Moine, Iowa – After the chaos of the 2020 Democratic Presidential Primary, the Iowa Democratic Party (IDP) has committed to streamline its process for future contests. Where Silicon Valley tech failed, could numerology be the answer?
“There has been a great deal of criticism about how things went down this year.” says Iowa Democratic Party Chair Troy Price. “Some are saying the reliance on an app purchased from Shadow, Inc. – a for-profit subsidiary of Democratic party ACRONYM which has financial and marriage ties to the Buttigieg campaign – was wrongheaded.”
“We should have expected that we’d have legitimacy issues with this app. I consider it a personal failing to have not intervened,” noted a chastened Tom Perez, current Chair of the Democratic National Committee. Perez went on to note that hindsight has impressed upon him that the next caucus must use a process that is unimpeachable and transparent.
“We need to do better. Our democracy is at stake,” Perez said.
In response to this soul searching on the part of the party, Troy Price has announced plans for a new app for running next election’s caucuses.
“Just after the debacle, I received a call from the CEO of Verbum Tenebris, Fileo Nekris. He offered a very convincing pitch for a product they have been developing which has really buoyed spirits around the IDP offices.”
Price went on to describe the solution.
“I couldn’t for the life of me pinpoint why the set up with Shadow, Inc. didn’t work. Everything looked fine on paper. But Nekris turned my thinking around by suggesting that the problem with the caucus was empiricism,” Price said with a bemused chuckle. “Empirical reality is famously error prone. Mistakes happen all the time. But numerology is cosmic, universal truth. It’s not a matter of opinion, or coin toss, or the problematic knowledge acquired through the senses. If you want to know how many people are in what corner of the room, numerology is better and surer. This is, if you’ll excuse my language, Pythagorean shit.”
Price added that there are many more successful numerologists than there are tech start-ups.
As of this writing, there are no plans to sever the relationship with Shadow, Inc. Rather, the IDP will broker a collaboration between the two tech companies for future primaries, having gotten to the bottom of the caucus’s failure this time around.