Alchemical Research Lab Concludes Coronavirus Not an Occult Phenomenon

Prague  – After weeks of intense scrutiny, a team of meta-epidemiologists at the Emperor Rudolf II Academy of Alchemy have determined that the coronavirus (Covid-19) is not supernatural in origin.  Rather, it is an entirely natural, even mundane, phenomenon.

“This was what we suspected at the beginning,” said Dr. Stanislaw Havel.  “This was an investigation driven more by public concern than by rational evidence.  Malign influence on microbiology is actually quite rare: while magic is often blamed for plagues, there’s not a single instance of a malign pandemic in the history of our record keeping, dating back to the black death.  At the time, that was often attributed to divine punishment or the work of sorcerers – ridiculous theories. Actual spells and curses – over 90% of which are purely psychosomatic – simply don’t transmit like microorganisms.  They can be horrible, and filled with malignant purpose, but have miniscule secondary infection rates.”

Father Francisco Ianucci, a visiting scholar from the Vatican who worked on the project, concurred.  “People attribute everyday misfortunes to supernatural entities because it gives them a sense of control – if a plague is caused by a visiting demon, rather than a fluke of microbiological evolution, then you can protect yourself by being virtuous, dousing your head in holy water, and repeating the seven words of Davidian vitality.  But while I always recommend these as practical precautions, this is a case where such beliefs simply fail to acknowledge the reality in front of our eyes.”

Indeed, the report issued by the Rudolf II Academy made it clear the most effective defense against the coronavirus is more polite than it is moral:  wash your hands frequently.

“Beyond that, we can only wish our cousins at the Center for Disease Control and World Health Organization well,” Father Ianucci said.  “We of course will bless them.”